The holidays are supposed to be filled with the joy of the season, good food, and family time, but let's be honest—sometimes, it can also come with a lot of stress, especially when you're juggling family dynamics, unsolicited advice, and all the extra expectations.
I'm constantly bringing up the importance of setting boundaries to my clients because it's something that I've noticed a lot of people struggle with, especially when it comes to setting boundaries with family. It can be a difficult skill to learn, especially if this is a skill that you don't feel super comfortable with yourself. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but knowing how to set and respect boundaries is going to make the holidays a lot more enjoyable, both for yourself and your kids.
When you're navigating family traditions and holiday get-togethers, one challenge parents often face is how to encourage their children to advocate for their bodily autonomy. Maybe Grandma insists on getting a hug or an aunt expects a kiss on the cheek. While these gestures come from a place of love, your child might not be comfortable with them—and that's totally okay. Teaching your kids how to set boundaries early on is one of the best gifts you can give them because it'll teach them to set physical boundaries across all settings.
In this post, we'll review how to teach your child to assertively set boundaries (in a kind but firm way), how to plan ahead to avoid family drama, and how to handle all the "friendly advice" that tends to pop up at holiday gatherings—especially when it comes to parenting.
Helping Your Child Advocate for Their Bodily Autonomy
First things first: teaching your child that they're in control of their own body is a crucial life skill. This means they get to decide whether or not to give someone a hug, kiss, or even a high five. Just because it's the holidays and everyone's feeling extra affectionate doesn't mean your child should feel pressured to engage in physical contact if they're not feeling it.
Here's how you can help:
- Teach Them Polite Ways to Say No: Kids often want to be polite, and sometimes they might feel like they have to give a hug or kiss because they don't want to upset anyone. Show them how they can say no in a kind way. For example, "I don't feel like hugging right now, but how about a high five?" This simple option still acknowledges the person's wishes while keeping their boundaries intact.
- Give Them the Language: Help your child feel confident by saying simple phrases like, "I'm not comfortable with that" or "No thanks, I don't want to give hugs." Make sure they know it's completely okay to say no—especially when it comes to their own body. Reassure them that their feelings matter, no matter who asks for affection. Also, "No!" is a complete sentence!
- Role Play: Practicing situations before they happen can be super helpful. Run through a few common holiday scenarios where your child might be asked for a hug or kiss and help them practice responding confidently. You can even take turns pretending to be a relative so they get used to saying, "No thanks!"
- Support Their Choices: If your child doesn't want to give Aunt Susie a kiss, that's okay! Stand by their decision and help them feel confident in their choice. You can also jump in if necessary and say, "Hey, they're not feeling like hugging today—maybe a fist bump or a wave instead?"
- Model Boundaries Yourself: Kids are sponges; they learn a lot from watching how adults handle things. If they see you setting healthy boundaries, they'll pick up on it and begin to demonstrate those skills themselves. Whether you're politely declining a second helping of pie or asking for personal space, you're showing them that it's okay to advocate for your needs.
How to Set Boundaries with Family (Without Drama)
Talking about boundaries with extended family can feel awkward—especially during the holidays when everyone is trying to get along. But having these conversations ahead of time can make things so much easier in the moment. Plus, it helps avoid the "Why won't [insert child's name here] give me a hug?" conversation in the middle of a gathering.
Here's how to approach it:
- Start the Conversation Early: Before the big holiday get-together, take a moment to chat with family members about your child's boundaries. You can explain that you're teaching them about bodily autonomy and that they might choose not to give hugs or kisses. By setting expectations ahead of time, you're helping to prevent awkward or unintentionally offensive moments during the actual event.
- Be Direct but Respectful: When discussing boundaries, it's important to be clear and kind. For example, you might say, "We're working on teaching [child's name] that it's okay to say no to hugs or kisses, so they might not want to give one. We're trying to help them feel confident about their bodies and their choices."
- Offer Alternatives: If you know certain family members love physical affection, suggest other ways they can connect with your child. Maybe they can share a special handshake, a high five, or even spend time doing an activity, like a puzzle or game, together. This gives them another way to bond that doesn't involve physical contact your child may not want. Find additional multigenerational activities and fun HERE!
- Be Ready for Pushback: Not everyone will get it immediately, and that's okay. Stay calm and firm if someone questions why your child doesn't want to give hugs. You can say, "We're trying to help them feel in control of their body, and we want them to learn it's okay to set boundaries."
- Support Your Child in the Moment: If things get uncomfortable, don't hesitate to step in and support your child. Redirect the conversation by suggesting a different way to connect, like showing a family member a new game or offering a non-physical greeting.
Handling Unsolicited Advice
If there's one thing that comes with every holiday gathering, it's unsolicited advice. Whether it's about your parenting style, life choices, or even politics, everyone seems to have an opinion. And let's face it, only some advice is helpful (or welcome). Here's how to deal with it gracefully:
- Listen (Even If You Disagree): Sometimes, letting someone feel heard can diffuse the tension. You don't have to take the advice, but acknowledging it with a simple "Thanks for the tip!" or "That's interesting—I'll think about it" can go a long way. Even a silent nod of the head is excellent! This can help keep the peace without having to fall into the trap of a debate.
- Set Boundaries Around Conversations: If you know certain topics are bound to cause tension—like parenting philosophies or politics—set a boundary early on. You can say something like, "Let's keep the focus on the fun stuff today!" or "I'd rather not get into politics—let's just enjoy each other's company."
- Give Advice Respectfully: If someone asks for your opinion, try to offer it without coming off as judgmental. Saying something like, "This worked for us, but I know every family is different," can help share your experience without sounding like you think you've got all the answers.
- Know When to Walk Away: If the conversation gets too heated, it's okay to disengage. You can politely excuse yourself from the situation, especially if it's turning into an argument; say, "Let's agree to disagree on this one," and move on to something else.
Making the Holidays a Little Easier
At the end of the day, the holidays are meant to be a time of connection and fun. By setting boundaries, respecting your child's bodily autonomy, and handling family dynamics with kindness and grace, you can help make things much smoother for you and your kids.
Remember, it's not just about making sure everyone gets along. It's also about teaching your children how to advocate for themselves, build confidence, and develop healthy relationships that respect their personal boundaries. These lessons will last long after the holiday lights come down.
So, as you head into the holiday season, take a deep breath, stay firm in your boundaries, and stay calm, cool, and collected. Stay jolly, my friends!
*Want more inspiration for happy and healthy holidays? Check out our Social Emotional Collection and Multigenerational Play and Family Fun Collection!
About the Author:
Paige Whitley is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida. With over 3 years of dedicated experience, Paige has become a trusted ally for diverse populations, including the neurodivergent community, trauma survivors, substance abuse sufferers, and those navigating general mental health challenges. Since 2010, Paige has impacted young lives through her work as a lifeguard, swim teacher, behavior technician, nanny, and counselor. When not at work, she indulges in the magic of Disney Parks, enticing culinary adventures, and family time with her husband and fur babies (and Baby Whitley due in May 2024!) Passionate and empathetic, she's a catalyst for positive change, committed to making a difference in her community's mental health landscape.
Quick Read
Holiday Boundaries for a Stress-Free Season
- Holidays can be stressful! Juggling family dynamics and expectations? Set boundaries to enjoy the season.
- Teach your kids about bodily autonomy:
- Encourage them to say no politely (e.g., “I don’t feel like hugging right now”).
- Provide phrases for confidence: “I’m not comfortable with that.”
- Role play to practice responses.
- Support their choices: Stand by your child if they don’t want physical affection.
- Set family boundaries early:
- Discuss your child's comfort levels before gatherings.
- Offer alternatives for connection, like high fives or games.
- Handle unsolicited advice gracefully:
- Listen and acknowledge without engaging in debates.
- Set conversation boundaries to avoid tension.
- Focus on the fun: Holidays are about connection! Teaching boundaries helps kids advocate for themselves.
Enjoy the season, stay firm in your boundaries, and keep it jolly!